GOLD MEDAL..... yay?

"YAY! OMG! IM GETTING MY GOLD MEDAL TODAY! IM SOOO HAPPY"
....not!

One would have thought that is how i would feel, Receiving my first ever gold medal for Artistic Single category in the National Pencak Silat Competition (PSK - Acronym in Malay) but thats not really the case. But there's so many reason for me to be proud of it right?

Even after years of participating in PSK, i have never really been successful in getting medals. Well, firstly i would say i am not that good. Some ppl would disagree. I appreciate that really but for me, i believe no matter how good u are, there will always be someone better. Thats kinda one source of my humility. heh.

So this year i got lucky. Well maybe what realli piss me off is that the gold medal didnt actualli brought the glory, recognition and satisfaction it promises. I am fine with outsider saying that i dont deserve the gold. Maybe they say that out of unhappiness that they lost. Some are not happy because i did shout when i attack during my performance. But hey, get your facts straight! You can use your suara (shout) for tunggal. The rule was passed since 2005! same time ganda can suara oso.

But its worst hit when the people closest to you say you don't deserve it. They keep insisting it was all luck. Because the greatest contenders didnt compete dat year. Especially my Rival... Hadi

Hey i have nothing against that guy. In fact i like that guy. He is good. Infact he was supposed to go to Phillipines SEA Games. Yes, he is THAT good. but stupid politics played, so poor guy didnt go. Sape rugi? Kita jugak. Btw he spoilt my gold-heist in IVP. It was always him. But couldnt blame him. The two times i lost was because of my own undoing. Rezeki dia la. He deserve it.

Back on track, i had thought winning the Gold Medal would bring me joy, pride and happiness. But its juz not the same if people especially those close to you don't acknowledge it. So i question myself, wtf am i trying so hard for. They were disappointed i lost due to stupid reasons before. And when i finally won even at the National level, i receive the same treatment.

I might be heartbroken. Severely. But i have also put thought that maybe its not worth it at all. It may be to some ppl. But maybe they have not met the reality of it. That Silat is just Silat. I have been in it so long. I question what does it have to offer me intrinsicaly. I was not in it for the fame. But i was in it for the glory. And yet despite countless unspoken sacrifice, I have yet to taste what that is in Silat. The time is better spent in studies

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....Ending that paragraph, i just stopped and stare at it for awhile. I just realised i have failed the code of conduct put forth to me when i started to learn silat. Have you ever wandered what there is in Silat? What are the tests in Silat? They come in 5 tests.

Sabar (Patience)

Ikhlas (Sincerity)

Luhur (Nobility)

Amanah (Honour)

Taat (Loyalty)

I have just failed all of them......I understand now.



Im not worthy.....